The Beginning

Finding Fairbanks can be difficult.  You have to counter the body's natural instinct for self-preservation.

I was born in the town of Fairbanks, Alaska, further proof that I must have really pissed somebody off in my previous life.  If you would like to visit Fairbanks, here are directions:

1) Start from civilization.

2) Head north.

3) At about the same time you say to yourself, "Wow, there is absolutely nothing here", a guy will pop up and say, "Welcome to Fairbanks."

4) You will be pulled into a slightly alternate dimension, a town that resembles real life in an eerie number of ways - fast food chains, shopping malls, civic activity, but something is amiss... something you can't quite put your finger on... then it hits you and you begin to feel the first twitch of fear - you are in the middle of fucking nowhere.

 

Childhood Years

If you can believe it, the name of the street I grew up on was Summer Avenue.  To its credit, it was only misnamed 340 days of the year.  I hesitate to call it a street, because it wasn't paved, and in hindsight I'm fairly certain it exceeded any federal incline rate for roads.  However, it was great sledding material, so laugh all you want.

I attended Nordale Elementary School, and it was here where I first decided that my goal in life was to conquer the Earth.  It was also during this time that I became fascinated by computers, and the possibility that one day they could be corrupted in some unholy manner to allow me to control people's minds.  I began programming on my Commodore Vic 20, and produced several classic games such as 'asterisk jumps around collecting dollar signs' and 'asterisk digs tunnels collecting dollar signs'.  This led to my critical discovery that in low-res, the pi symbol looks sort of like a camel, and you can pretend that your game has an Arabian theme.

As children, my sister and I used to club baby seals in front of our igloo.

 

Hazy Years

I went to Tanana Junior High and Lathrop High School, information which is in itself far more valuable than anything I picked up while actually attending those places.  If you also went to those schools, and have discovered this pages by picking those words up on a search engine, then this section has served its purpose.

 

Adult Years

Along about the time I turned 18, I began college, specifically the University of Alaska, Fairbanks.  It was during this time in my life that I realized what so many computer science majors before me already knew:  Physics = 8:00 AM, CompSci = 3:00 PM.  Thus is was that the entire rest of my life was decided by whoever scheduled the Physics 211 lab.  Not that I didn't try, mind you.  For a whole year I got up at 7 to trudge through the snow to the Duckering building where I was rewarded by getting to write lab reports.  That marks the last physics class I ever took.

If archaologists were to eventually study and teach a class on my life, the main two points of my college life they would expect their students to know is that I was president of the juggling club, and that I worked for DCC, the campus Division of Computing and Communications.  The juggling club was great fun and had a lot of talented people.  They have a web page that never gets updated at http://sedona.uafphys.alaska.edu/~gravwork.  Last I checked, they still had pictures of me up there.  DCC was a great place to work.  Our main job was what you would expect - administering accounts and troubleshooting machines.  Also, and I think they got a lot of personal pleasure out of this, they would sometimes make me pull cables through asbestos filled tunnels.  They also have a web site, but it doesn't feature me so it's not that interesting.

 

 

 

Evil Awakens

Every time I pitch my super villain idea 'Randy, AssKicker' to Marvel Comics they turn me down.  The theme is I carry a big gun and have a hot chick for a sidekick.  My theory is that if it were eventually made into a movie, I would get to be the star.

I am at that stage in life where it all comes down to one choice:  Shotgun or Grenade Launcher?  It is this dilemma which keeps me up nights.  It is the kind of choice you can't get a second chance at.  There is no "Oh wait, let me go back and start my homicidal mania again; I thought of a really good one."

Mantra of the Mad Scientist

Sometimes you may feel that certain things in life are unfair, and you may wonder what to do to solve the situation.  Simply repeat this mantra to yourself slowly each morning:

Something has occured which makes my life difficult.
I am not in a position to decide this matter.
I will not allow this to distract me.
I will continue to do whatever I can to invest in myself.
Once I gain the opportunity to alter the situation,
I will seek out those who caused me difficulty,
and crush them.